Four Love Myths Modern Marriage Spreads January 4, 2012

Kim Kardashian had a 72 day marriage and we got upset like 2, 5, 7 years is that much better when it’s supposed to be for a lifetime and you know why? We created the modern version of marriage to soothe our insecurities and reinforce our wack belief systems surrounding love.

#1: Love is Hard to Come By

Once we find a person remotely close to what we envision we don’t ever want to let them go because we believe in the scarcity model when in fact love is everywhere. But love IS scarce when you recognize only 100 forms of it when in fact it can be endless.

“You’ll never find another lover like me”- every other R&B song

#2: Love is Only Valid in Certain Forms

When we believe love is scarce it leads us to rely on this one person for all of our needs. By placing (a monogamous) marriage, just one mode of practicing love as the Cadillac we are closing ourselves off to different modes of love.

#3: Breakups as Devastating

And if this one person this one source of love leaves of course we feel devastated. So what do we do? Me make it mandatory that they stay with us forever.

 #4: Marriage is The Solution to Finding Long Lasting Love

Tax forms, raising children, living wills and power of attorney are the the best ways to show love? Love? What you feel from a kiss? From holding hands? Sex? You can practice love for free. Filing joint taxes ain’t romantic. Marriage had nothing to do with love at first. It was about adding wealth to families and building economic powerhouses.

Somewhere down the road we began to associate marriage as the ultimate expression of love. If you want life long love you can get that without marriage. Dogs show us love. They don’t sign any damn forms, but we know it’s authentic. You can find love in a marriage, but put simply marriage is hard. Love in it’s simplest form is not.

Getting married to experience love is building a mansion to house a mouse.

You might say marriage is supposed to be a forever kind of love therein lies it appeal while those other forms are fleeting. But who cares if they end? (#3 Endings are Not Devastating.) The sunset dies only to be replaced by a night sky (#2 It has Many Forms). What matters is that there’s more of it right after they’re done (#1 Love is Abundance).

A Vigil For All the Shit You Broke December 19, 2011

RIP XBox

This is going to be a short post because, well you’ll see.

When women don’t know how to express our anger we sometimes head to his personal possessions. We don’t need to fight you, we just need to hurt you. And as women we are well aware that psychological harm is just as effective as physical.

We know he saved up all summer for that expensive ass purchase. We know men cherish their stuff as a reflection of their tastes, styles, and all around Bossnes. When we can’t get across how much we hate this man at the current moment so we take it to the material possessions.

“Bust the Windows Out Your Car”

It’s not just a song, it’s real life out here. His camera, his car, his stereo system. Let’s just get it out of our system, shall we? Let’s hold a vigil for all the shit we dun broke. This is a blog so people are  supposed to comment, but a lot of you mofos, as much as I love you, are some lurking ass mofos so I’ll just start without you.

Take a breath in, breathe out. For his:

• 1982 Camaro windows
• Ray Bans
• computer
• car’s engine
•  XBox or Playstation
• I once saw a woman throw a whole record (vinyl) collection onto the streets of Crown Heights
• momma’s lamp
• prized but cheap flea market find sculpture
• painting of the dark skin and the light skinned people making love in every damn hair salon and black establishment
• motherfreaking phone (Seriously did he love that thing more than you? Geez. Oh, it was another bitch he was talking to? We’ll make sure she gon have to contact him using smoke signals. That’s what a trash compacter is for, right? That reminds me…)
• Garbage compacter. (Who knew it wasn’t strong enough to chew a Droid?)

Lawd, forgive us for we did not know any better *and silence*.

It’s All Men’s Fault December 8, 2011

A lot of women, too many women believe the only thing they need to get a baller is looks. (Some of them don’t even have that, but some thirsty dudes we’re trying to get at her and blew her head up. We’re not even going to get at that.) And where would we get that impression from? Kim Kardashian, a long list of blonde actresses with more looks than talent, all the models who are coveted and lusted after on the covers of major magazines, men’s sites and the billion dollar industry of porn and modeling where basically looks are paramount? Gee, where on Earth would we get this idea? I wonder.

It is drilled in a woman’s head that her most important asset is her looks. Men are lauded for their wealth and business acumen, women are worshipped when our bodies embody a perfect ideal.

What women fail to realize is while men are drooling over these beautiful women would they actually marry or get in relationships with them is a completely different order.

These women are eye candy, they are purveyors of fantasy and fantasies don’t include relationships. lol When men are looking for wives they actually look for *gasp* more than just looks. Loyalty, how she carries herself, nurturing. These things matter. As sad it may be a fat ass don’t cook.

Mo (Sexual) Partners, Mo Problems is Bunk November 27, 2011

I wrote a post I had to get off my chest called I Admit-I’m a Hoe. Even though I’m not technically a hoe because the strict definition of a hoe requires said hoe to make money off of their kitty kat, and I by far have been enjoying myself for free aside from a free meal here and there that didn’t stop me from absorbing all the negative connotations from the word.

Female sexuality is still under strict definition. I thought those who said a woman was promiscuous at 5 partners were a blast from the past, but no, there are men (and women) who really think like this. If a woman has sex for money, she’s a hoe. If she has sex for fun she’s a hoe slut. If she doesn’t have sex she’s a prude. While most people believe one or two of this statements what’s mind blowing are the people who believe ALL of these definitions. The number of women who can fit this very small niche of what’s appropriate for a woman is infinitesimal. If that’s not enough, slut shaming men has caught on too.

Diseases and STI’s

Part of this anti promiscuous mindset is born out of a negative view of sex. Sex isn’t dirty. Sex’s main purpose isn’t a conduit for your pussy/dick falling off! It’s a gift two people share! But I can see how having sex with only two people is a prize if you believe the next sexual encounter is the one that gives you the Super AIDS.

I’m not saying don’t protect yourself. I’m saying protect yourself, practice caution and leave the rest to God. Acting recklessly is an invitation for bad events to occur, but sex in of itself is not one of these acts if practiced safely.

Ego

Another reason people harp on their partner’s sexual past is ego.

The ego wants to believe that it is the best and only. The more women he’s had the harder your ego has to work to feel special.  Requiring that you’re partner has had few partners makes it important. Are you really saying how many people this person has had sex with is more important than how he treats you?

Those other people your partner was with doesn’t matter! You are special. There is nobody else like you.

It’s Completely Useless

Another reason and equally annoying reason people want to know a potential partner’s number is because to them it indicates integrity and value system. In some cases yes, it does, and others their number is just that- a number.

There are those who have lots of sex as a means of staying disconnected from past abuse. There are those that have lots of sex because they enjoy it. There are women who don’t have sex as a means of control. There are women who don’t have lots of sex because it’s their preference. The reason behind their sexual activity is more important than the actual activity.

People don’t line up in nice little categories. If someone tells you they want a partner with a very specific kind of sexual history as a means of determining their value system they are a control freak. Some of these church boys get it in like nobody’s business.

I don’t condone judging someone by their past is because it’s unnecessary. You want to find the quality of the person look at them now. Maya Angelou wasn’t joking when she said “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

You’re so busy gasping when he tells you he slept with 85 women you don’t even hear him when he says he went through a promiscous phase after his mother died. You’re so impressed he slept with only a few women you look past the fact that in his case he has no confidence to have slept with more. You’re so busy being Sherlock Holmes you don’t even realize you’re dealing with an egomaniac.

I’ll admit people’s past is a good indicator as to who they are. You know what’s also a good indicator of their character? The present. You can dicate what, but now how. If you want someone with your value system say that. You cannot obsess over the how, the Universe takes care of that, just take care of the what (similar value system). How many people a person has fucked before they even met you is a number you cannot control.

You wouldn’t treat a millionaire like they were still working at TJ Maxx, stop treating outstanding people like they’re broken by focusing on a number that may or may not mean what you think it means.

You Are a Magic Woman November 9, 2011

They try to tell you you’re not a magic woman.

They’ll say you’re too big, you’re too pale, too dark, too skinny.  They will try to tell you you’re not a magic woman because you’ve slept with too many men that you haven’t slept with enough. They’ll say you’re too ugly.

But you’re not and you know it. You think you feel bad because of what they say- you don’t. In your heart you know you’re a magic woman. The difference between your heart and what they say creates tension. Release the tension and listen to your heart. You are a magic woman.
They’re trained to only see magic women in the form of small thighs and pretty faces. Glamazons and 10′s. Weaves and waves and highlights, oh my.

Just because they don’t see doesn’t mean it’s not there. These men and women are blind. Don’t let their blindness determine your magic.

The minute someone else determines your worth, you have lost.

You are a magic woman.

Men Must Pay For You, Stop That Mess November 8, 2011

I used to think if a man didn’t spend money on me he didn’t care about me. Ain’t that some hoe shit? We’ve all been brought up on it. We want to say we aren’t hoes, yet we expect him to pay for dinner, whether we like him or not. I know I’m not the only one who wanted a free meal and went out with a dude I had no intention of hooking up with. I know I’m not the only one, and if you say you’ve never done that you are either lying or in the minute minority.

The ingrained thinking that a man HAS to pay for dinner ensures that most of us have been hoeing for dinner. He has to pay for your company. HE HAS TO pay on first meeting a stranger whom he knows nothing of. And what’s a typical first date is changing but many a first date are still being held at restaraunts. This guarantees men when meeting a stranger is obligated to put energy (money) into the other person, but what he receives in return is a crapshoot. No matter how wonderful you are, as a stranger for many men you are not worth the investment.

Women Have an Overinflated Sense of Self

The chance to talk to someone who owns a vagina and boobs doesn’t not have to cost a reservation at a sit down restaurant. Dating is a mutual feeling out period. More expensive dates can commence once the investment is worth it, and you are not a stranger in his eyes but a woman he wants to get to know better. As women we expect men to prove to us their worthiness simply because we’re worthy because we have a vagina and breasts. That ish is getting played out. Men are getting tired of paying for women who have nothing to offer, but their bodies. Men are getting tired of paying for someone else’s future perfect girlfriend, but not theirs. Men nowadays only want to pay for THEIR girlfriends or a woman they’re dating on the regular. Everybody else gets a walk in a park and First Saturdays.

A man does not have to spend money on you to show he cares or is interested. Especially if he’s just a friend or you just met. How would it look if your female friend looked at you when the check arrived? You have to pay for her company. Wouldn’t be a good look would it? So why on Earth would you expect a stranger to pay for your presence? Women have been championing this double standard for decades because it’s convenient as all hale!

“Women love money… You know what they love even more than money? Your money.” -D.L Hughley

And the thinking behind men paying is so misguided it’s comical. It’s misguide because it’s not necessary. Even when he’s your man, if he pays he should be doing it because he to.If he’s paying because you’re being stingy, trust he will detect that and act accordingly. If he’s paying because you don’t have any money, then you need to get on your grind so you can contribute to those Red Lobster dinners you love so much.

Carry Your Own Weight

A man should not be required to pay for anything out of his budget. So if he’s financially able and likes to then let him. But let’s be honest a relationship is 50/50, but some women are contributing 20/80 when it comes to the finances even though our men aren’t balling. That ish needs to stop. That is the reason most men see dating and consequently marriage as a hustle. Men take on ALL the responsibility only reaping half the benefits, if any.

As diverse as women are the exact actions that communicate a man is Boss are varied too, but one of our favorite ways of sussin this is having him pay. Financial solvency is not the only indication that he’s a man’s man. The best ways to suss his competency are long term and not immediate. But we’re all sticklers for immediate clues so that money on the table excites women on a basic level because not only does it subconsciously communicates to us that he’s a man of means, but that we were worth it.

“Men are inspired by women that make them want to be great without repeatedly making it clear that they expect it…They don’t need to see a kind act in order to perform a kind act.”- Slim Jackson for Uptown Magazine

Extreme neediness is to focus on what you do not have. What you focus on becomes larger. So while you NEED these men to pay for you so you can feel appreciated, worthy and that he’s on the up and up you’re going to always find yourself needing that validation system and not getting your REAL needs (that have nothing to do with money) met.

 

“I must admit I really dig your operation/ Every time we on the phone, you got that sexy conversation/So now you hope to be the woman of my dream/ And while I’m asleep, you’ll be creepin’, robbing me clean”- RIP Heavy D

Blowing the Myth that Monogamy is a Sign of Maturity October 31, 2011

A New Facebook Group

I recently joined this incredible Facebook group that’s been expanding my mind on so many levels. In the course of posting there a guy surmised I was a jumpoff because I gave up on finding a man of my own. Ha!

I don’t have low self esteem because I don’t mind my partner having sex with other women. There’s nothing wrong with sharing a man. There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting to have sex with multiple women. There’s nothing wrong with a woman having multiple partners either for that matter, but we’ll just focus on the men having more for the moment. I was surprised that he was so adamant as I thought men would rejoice to find an example of a woman they could be honest with about their desires. I had no idea why this man was so intent on believing that a woman has self esteem issues because she accepts a man for who he truly is.

Speaking with another gentleman it hit me! There’s this myth that when a person finds the right mate, someone they can see spending the rest of their lives with that all other women/men will be forsaken. For many people this myth is founded in truth, including that particular gentleman because this is the perspective he was drawing from. When I tell you that this is not true of all people believe me.

I wrote about monogamous and non monogamous men. What I didn’t realize is how BOTH men and women believe that monogamy is a sign of maturity and the “One.” Multiple partners are for bachelors trying to sow their wild oats, monogamy a sign of ultimate compatibility. This is not always true. There are men (and women) who got married to the partner of his dreams after his bachelor days and still found himself extremely attracted to other women.

A Mate is Not the Be All End All

This gentleman on the FB group also thought that a man can fulfill all of a woman’s needs 100% of the time and I didn’t even engage him on that front because that’s complete ego talking. Romantic partners can’t fulfill every need. If that was possible women wouldn’t need friends, gay friends, shopping sprees, malls or girl’s night out. We can’t be everything to our partners, we’re all interconnected because we fulfill different roles and no man or woman can fulfill all of them.

But again for him in his mind when he meets that right woman who in actuality satisfys a good amount, not all, of his needs he will be monogamous. That’s wonderful for him and anybody else who feels the same way, but people like me are not going to be satisfied by just one person alone and that’s innate not insecurity.

You Think Differently Than I Do = You’re Damaged

Monogamy and non monogamy is a sexual preference so strongly ingrained it’s no longer a preference but a mandate. Do you chose to be attracted to women or are you just attracted to women? When someone’s lifestyle doesn’t meet up to your standards we have a tendency to place abuse and trauma and other psychological reasonings for it instead of just accepting that people are different. As if because you don’t understand somehow it’s not real. You may not understand how physics works but that doesn’t make it the work of the devil.

I’ll Just Make Shit Up So I Can Feel More Comfortable

Oh wait, that’s exactly what Ancient civilizations did. With lack of knowledge all Ancient civilizations made up stories, called myths to explain natural phenomena. This is exactly what people are doing. With a lack of knowledge about something that’s foreign to us we create stories based on our experiences. The more contrast between the person’s beliefs, motives and actions and the person judging, the more negative that story will be spun.

While his hypothesis was wrong on that front I was impressed at how he did pick up on an insecurity I have. He thought that a man who was about his business, but allowed his wife sexual partners was not really a Mack as they say in this FB group. Honestly he was reflecting my own doubt about being able to find an Alpha male who can put aside his ego for me to have multiple partners.

For that I have to remind myself that I only need be concerned with the what and the how will work itself out. If I want a Boss man who is open minded enough to let me have my cake and eat it too as I shall with him all I need is ask for it, not worry how it’ll come about.

To sum it all up, some people prefer more than one partner out of preference not maturity level nor the quality (or perceived lack of) of their partner. 

When Being Open to Love is Akin to Heartbreak October 23, 2011

My spiritual teacher told me to be open to love and I just wanted to cry. I’m so tired of trying to be open to love. I’m open to love and my mother hits me, I’m open to love and my partner cuts me with his words like a knife. I’m open to love and that stupid Mr. Flaky leaves me. But those are just excuses.

That’s the last you’ll hear me lamenting about how this one did this to me and that one did that to me, and you know why?

Because I’m a woman of means, options and beauty and excuses are not what this chick is about. Just like any successful person I owe up to my mistakes AND failures.

All those times I just mentioned I wasn’t really open to love, not completely. I dipped my foot in the pool of love like a reticent child and called it going all in.Women will say I trusted him but he still did this and that to me. No, you wanted to trust, but deep down inside you still doubted him. You can’t just trust on the surface you have to do it through your whole core and being.

When you let your heart open just a little bit and got shocked from it, thinking you were totally open you used that as an excuse to shut down even more. With a half open heart we are ripe to create dysfunctional relationships, dysfunctional love.

When someone opens their heart completely, the results are wondrous because you need trust to do that. What you think you attract, so if your heart’s barometer is on love and truth and wonderfulness that’s exactly what you’re going to get.

Ghost of Lovers’ Past October 19, 2011

I no longer communicate with a dude I used to smash and his cousin, whom I also smashed. I no longer speak to them nor of them. I had pictures I never looked at and eventually lost.

I don’t have any proof of their existence other than my memories and the memories of my friends. They live on in our minds. It’s like I made them up. Did these men really exist?

What good are pictures nowadays when they and movies can be doctored? There’s Photoshop and After Effects. There isn’t a person whose body has slits in them to resemble a doll, but there’s a photo of it. The photo is real and that’s how it manifest in this reality.

Have you ever not been in contact with someone for so long you begin to doubt their existence? Did he really do that? Did that really happen? All my exes feel like a ghost, or a figment of my imagination.

This doesn’t happen to childhood friends because their existence shaped you. Like that vanilla ice cream they’d dared you to finish off, you got sick and now you hate vanilla ice cream. Nothing but chocolate from here on out. Of course it was real why else would you hate vanilla? Of course that fall was real why else would you have that scar? Why else would your mother remember an emergency room visit?

Lovers affect you too, but in a way you’d hate to admit. They sometimes break our hearts so bad we hate to admit we loved them that much that we changed for them.

I can’t even find most of my ex’s through my friend’s friends on the ethernets. We forget that in this day and age not everybody has been assimilated by the networks. You still meet that stalwart with just a yahoo address and that’s it. All my past lovers whom I don’t communicate with their existence now is doubtful to my reality. They’ve haven’t been a working cog in my life for so many years they might as well be dead.

So yes in effect all my exes are a fiction of my imagination. Men that I made up to ease my pain, my loneliness, to make me feel good and wanted, sexual and free. They were only cogs in my imagination.

I Admit It-I’m a Hoe October 16, 2011

I’ve been holding a secret that I can’t hold on to any longer. IZZZA A HOE! A big ol’ hoe. I like having sex. I like getting it in my pussy, putting it in my mouth and sometimes my ass.

I feel disgusted that I love it so much. One shouldn’t like having sex so much, but I do! I love being penetrated. I love dick-it’s the equivalent of Ben and Jerry’s and I’m ashamed/proud that I suck that part of his anatomy below his as such.

Call my daddy! Call my momma as they have a big ole dick loving hoe for a daughter. Shameful! LOL!

As I type this I know it’s a bunch of bullshiggity. Why are we made to feel like pariahs for enjoying something so freaking fabulous?! It’s wonderful! It feels good and it affirms our connection to self like few others. It literally makes us feel better and the health benefits cannot be denied.

So again IZZA a big ole’ hoe! I like sex! Like it? I love it! In my mouth, in my pussy and when I’m feeling adventurous backdoor is not out of the question.

I refuse to be coy any longer for the sake of not offending people. I refuse to be something I’m not for the sake of being accepted.

With this declaration I also rebuke other’s people’s judgements. When people say mean things it only really hurts if we believe it ourselves. Ever had someone insult you and it rolled off your back? Kinda like calling Megan Fox or Megan Goode ugly. Do you think those two would entertain an insult like that? They’d laugh it off because they know it’s not true.

If someone was to judge me on the belief that I am less than their insults only hurt if I believe it too. For today and the rest of my life I accept myself for the wonderful sex loving, dick sucking freak that I am. End of story.