On this “special” day I’m going to tell you some thangs. I told ya’ll that my love story consisted of being a jump off. The real truth is that my love life consisted of men leaving me, standing me up, breaking up with me, not committing to me or leaving me for their ex’s who they don’t stay with anyway (cough, cough Mr. Flaky). I’ve broken up with only two men. The rest have broken up with me or gradually lost interest. That hurts more than saying I was the jump off. I was trying to salvage my self esteem. Instead of men leaving me I just told the part about being with other women’s men. But being the OW is not the full story.
The Past Connects the Present
I’m angry at Mr. Flaky for leaving me. I’m angry at all the men who left me. (I know I’ll be obsessed over Mr. Flaky until the anger of these men leaving me leaves me.) I’m especially angry at the married man who made plans with me to go to dinner and and never showed up. I put on make up that made my hazel eyes dazzling. I ate cereal to not get too full, watched a marathon of “House” on USA to pass the time before he came. But episode after episode came. I called, I texted. And nothing. Just nothing. I was all dressed up and hungry with nowhere to go. (The fact that what he did was right for his marriage doesn’t negate that I was hurt. )
And now as I wait here for my mate, Collin, to comfort me in an emotionally stressful time I wait again.
I hate waiting. When I was younger I used to wait for my mom to pick me up after school. It felt like the opposite of love. I was usually the last kid outside. I refused to go inside with the rest of the kids whose parent’s weren’t considerate enough to get there on time. That and I had been inside all day, I didn’t want to be inside again.
Sometimes I think my mate Collin is too this or too that for me, but he’s devoted to me. Right now I need devotion and love more than I need a man who makes boo coo bucks. Right now I need a man who wants to please me rather than someone who is in the perfect living conditions whatever da fuck that is in fucking expensive ass New York City. Right now I need a man who loves me more than I need six pack abs. Right now I need him, which is crazy ‘cause somehow we’re not always happy together, yet we can’t leave each other. He says he gives me all of him and it doesn’t seem like its enough.
Feeling Spent
Which is funny because I‘ve been feeling the same way about my professional aspirations. How much of myself do I have to give to a day job? How much of myself do I give to this blog, to my writing? This would be my second time applying for grad school. I write nearly every fucking day. My grammar and punctuation still be fucked up a minute after midnight if not properly edited, but I have 90,000 words in my first novel, numerous short stories, but for what?
I’ve been trying to blog every week but when I come home from work I am exhausted. I hear of motherfuckers getting up at 4am in the morning to write in addition to their day jobs. I. Can’t. Do. That. I want to give so much more of myself to make my dreams come true yet I feel like I have so little to give.
I was feeling lonely. As far as I can tell nobody writes like me. Nobody else has my perspective. I don’t feel like I fit in, and I don’t care anymore. I’m unique and I’m not looking to be down with a clique. I would like to find like minded individuals, but right now what’s more important is finding my voice.
I Need to Write for Me
I think I became spent so quickly because of my goals. I was looking for validation. I was looking for a pat on the head: “Good job gurl, excellent article.” But looking for approval from others is hollow. From now on I write for myself first and foremost. This is for me. I’m not saying that I’m going to stop writing useful stuff like how to steal a man. I loved writing that article. It was fun. But this is a gift I give to myself before anybody else. I’m not looking to please you the audience first, I’m looking to please myself first and then make the articles fun for you.
I’ve written about this in my previous post where I talk about creating habits that replenish us instead of diminishing. I’m hoping after a certain amount of time just writing for me, I will feel more full and willing to work even harder on my other writing projects because I have so much more to give.
Happy Valentine’s Day to All the Lovers Out There! 
