This post was inspired by a handful of things. A Belle in Bk’s Formspring, a Marc Evan Katz blog post, and then the subsequent comments when I shared that link with a facebook group.
Women are upset that it seems like every body is telling them how and why the black woman is fugging up and thusly single. Another variation of this problem, less racially centered, is why is it always the woman who has to fix things?
I’ll Tell You Why
The person with the problem has to be the one to speak up. here.
Why would the person who’s fine have anything to say? Men are simple creatures. I’ve heard this so often, it has to be true. I’ve seen this so often it has to be true. If you’ve heard it before, I’ll tell you again, most men are simple. Ample sex, a nice smile, stroke their egos, be easy going, throw in a beer for extra measure and many a dudes will be just fine.
What does a woman want? *eye roll* Everything’s that’s impossible and 50 things more, it’s so varied.
I ain’t telling Hakeem down the block what to do because he ain’t reading this blog. If Hakeem is reading the blog I would give him some advice too, but he ain’t, you are.
And how do you suggest you change total strangers? Why should men change if they’re happy? There are plenty women for them to have non committal sex with. If that’s what they want its not like they can’t get it.
And another thing. Why don’t women want to change? Its not like you’ll change for the worse. You want to catch fish you get some bait. What’s wrong with the bait? What exactly about the advice don’t you like?
I remember watching Oprah, and it was a how to find a man segment. Gail rolled her eyes when the male dating expert told her to wear skirts more often. What do you have against skirts? It’s a skirt that’ll probably look good on you. Find one that’s your style and keep it moving. Ain’t Gayle still single?
You are a wonderful person now let’s make it so that the person you want knows it too.
I think black women are so used to the message that we are nothing but sex objects, not desirable, not marriage material, yet we have been over sexualized for eons from Hottentot Venus to video vixens. Trite examples, but true. Somehow we are the most lascivious women on the Earth, yet nobody wants us or finds us attractive. How could both of these ideas be true? Somehow they are.
And black women don’t want to hear another reason why there’s something wrong with us, only dating advice is not another opportunity for yet someone else to tell us what’s wrong with us, it’s merely a way for us to be better.
If we have a desire and someone is trying to point out an easier path we should be able to take the advice. We must know that we are fundamentally good people and good women and a little advice is not attacking us, but helping us reach our goals better.
Focus on the Good Men
And my last point is that we are way too focused on the men who don’t want commitments when they are so many men who do.
For a few weeks you keep bumping into men who just want sex? Okay that’s dating. You’ve been dealing with non committal men for years? Uh, okay, do you think that maybe it’s you?
Straight up, you don’t have to allow every many in your life. So why is that when you value a committed relationship you’ll hook up with a man who doesn’t? What’s that about?
If you strongly believe that no man should never lay a hand on a woman you will not likely be dating Ike Turners of any persuasion. Sure you may date him before the red signals go up, but be emotionally involved in? Nun uh.
Our thoughts our beliefs dictate how we act. Just like I said a man who values monogamy will be the least likely to cheat. If we truly believe we will act accordingly. Thought proceeds action.
So if you say your mind is on committed relationships what about you is drawing non committal men? If you truly are about committed relationships then you will have someone also who is about it.
I’m tired of women acting like men don’t want to settle down. There are plenty. They might not be representing in the club or on Twitter thong Tuesday or whatever the hell they call it, but they exist. They may not be your ideal but they are there. Stop worrying about all these men that aren’t right for you. You only need one to commit to one be in a loving monogamous relationship.
You’re the one with the question/issue, you have to be the one to seek the answer. Anything else, is just pointing fingers- the complete opposite of problem solving.
