Stop Getting Hustled by Golddiggers and Marriage February 1, 2012

In another post I made it plain that some women believe that their looks are all they need to get an edge in life.  I said looks do not get you married. 

I said women have it all kinds of twisted because beauty in a woman is prized like no other, but while men are buying the swimsuit issue of SI to beat off on are they actually marrying and getting in relationships with these women? No.

And then here comes Michael Jordan marrying a Spanish model who filed for bankruptcy in the past. *sigh*

There is ALWAYS a man willing to wife the nothing -but- pretty chick providing the rest of the shallow heifers more ammunition to head to MAC instead of the library. ALWAYS.

The Consequences

When this entitled, beautiful woman runs through his money, divorces him and takes half the man is all surprised. Why?

Other men love to have sympathy for rich men in divorces like these. If I tell people we are all one they look at me like I’m crazy, but when a rich man gets half his estate taken in a marriage I can hear the heartburn half of American men get from empathizing to the hilt. A man could be a shoe salesman but it’s not The Terminator’s money Maria’s taking, it’s half HIS paycheck.

I have no sympathy.

The Answer

Men if you don’t want her to take your money here’s what you do: pre-qualify. Marriage is only a hustle if you get hustled. Marry a woman for more than her looks and you might find yourself not getting turned out financially.

Take Michael Jordan’s recent engagement. She’s filed for bankruptcy-red flag. She’s friends with Elin Nordigrin-another huge red flag. Is Mike really marrying this woman for her personality and love? I don’t know, but her past contains clues that if not changed makes her a huge liability for taking half his motherfucking money. The bankruptcy reveals she wasn’t always the best with money management. Her choice of one friend might reveal her attitude considering entitlement. Hell just being a model she’s at risk for feeling very entitled for little work.

A relationship has two people. That means both parties are responsible. Despite this fact men are made more accountable for a relationship by being the one to financially subsidize both parties upon a marriage’s demise. For men marriage has become a hustle. A practice where he takes on all the responsibilities and pays for both parties’ mistakes. A man puts in all the risk for a shaky payout. If women want a shot at having a successful marriage she has to take responsibility for her actions, her emotions and her financial and overall well being.

Some men don’t mind as much paying out because they know the work their women put in being married to their egomaniacal, workaholic ass. We don’t see the women’s contribution to the marriage, but you can see his contribution every Monday night on ESPN.

Expect your potential partner to bring something more to the table than the physical. She doesn’t need to have an empire or be the founder of Google, but bitch should have a marketable skill. She can’t be afraid of hard work. She has to be able to add to your money, to your empire, to your peace of mind, to your life in general in some kind of way other than eye candy!

 

The Thing About Temptuous Situations August 31, 2011

I know in the past I’ve been all up in my feelings so much that my posts have been more about me than you. This may be my blog but it always should relate to the readers. And this recent situation that was not so unfamiliar was pressing on me and I know some of ya’ll can relate. In fact, most people with an opposite sex friend can relate:

Being friends with men with girlfriends I’ve come across the phenomenon that he’s trustworthy until he’s talking to me.

But there’s one big problem with that thinking: Trust that is conditional is not really trust at all. It’s not 78%, it’s 100% or nothing.

Some women trust that their partner won’t look for an affair, but they don’t trust that he won’t let himself get sucked in. But real trust applies to BOTH situations not just the one.

Dectrators might say circumstances weaken even the most stalwart of men. To that I say reputable men repress the hell out of circumstances. Reputable men see questionable circumstances and avoid that shit like the plague. What’s more, reputable men avoid situations that are THEIR kryptonite, but not so much as other situations. An insecure partner will look at every woman, every club night as kryptonite when in reality he’s not built that way. If your otherwise trustworthy man is doing some ish you consider shady you have to ask yourself if this activity he’s engaging in is really his kryptonite or not.

(If every opportunity is an opportunity for him to cheat, and you know this without a doubt proof positive you have yourself a non monogamous man, and there is nothing you can do to change his proclivities. We’re not talking about that man, we’re talking about a naturally monogamous man.)

I used to think men who went out their way to keep themselves out of certain situations were punks. Now I see that nobody is 100% incapable of acting out in the face of temptation. Now I see that a part of staying faithful is staying out of temptuous situations.You don’t know how often men in monogamous relationships turn down sex because the mere mention of other women is likely to end up in an argument or fight, but your faithful man is putting up the barriers to make sure that doesn’t happen.

So my conclusion is to stop being friends with guys attached to jealous partners. I could play by all the rules, my male friend could play by all the rule, we could do all the things necessary to avoid suspicion, to remain respectful of a relationship, but if the significant other is distrustful you’re doing a monkey’s dance. Proving fidelity to insecure people is a monkey’s dance. 

Insecure people are acknowledging that other people are powerful enough to sway your partner to cheat. With that same logic you are powerful enough to sway him NOT to cheat. As HIS woman YOUR influence means more, and that is power. So use your power for good.

Go Go Super Woman July 4, 2011

 

 

I can’t speak for ya’ll but life feels like you’ve always got to power up. Remember the Power Rangers? I was on some Power Rangers hard as a kid. Until it was only the second season and they must’ve powered up for the fifth time. Ummm how many times are you going to change the wardrobe, the name of the powers and call it something different when its really the same shit? Add a squiggly line and all of sudden you’re more powerful? Ummm…I think not. You’re not the Power Rangers you’re the Super Power Rangers. Riiighhhhtt. Not!

I was watching my favorite anime Bleach. The main character Ichigo, who can get it by the way, had powered up yet again and was ready to face his arch nemesis. At first I was upset. How many times does Ichigo have to freaking power up! He’s been training for what the whole damn series! He’s been on the brink of death how many times? He’s gotten his ass kicked by how many people? And all of a sudden I was weary. Life feels like you need to power up constantly. We are always overcoming challenges. When will the challenges stop and we can just kind of be in a nice place in our lives? Why are we always facing conflict? The truth is conflict doesn’t end. The moment we interact with other people who are not clones of ourselves we create conflict. 

In actuality I haven’t been powering up, or growing. I’m still grappling with issues I was dealing with a year ago. And that says to me that I don’t want to deal with some shit. And as I’m still obsessed with this motherfreaker of an ex what two one two year later? I ask myself when the hell will I be done thinking about this negro? I care about this man so much that not even a years of no contact has doused my desire for him. With me wanting him and him responding nothing’s going to change at this rate. I keep hitting the same wall over and over again.

When you keep encountering the same problems repeatedly it’s because the issue hasn’t been dealt with. We keep attracting the same people over and over again because we haven’t learned our lesson.

So I bucked up and told him how I really feel. And he told me what I was dreading: no feelings on his part, he was just being polite. If I feel pathetic its because well, I am. lol. Seriously. I’m not going to say that it’s a good or a bad thing. It’s neither. If it’s a bad thing it’s because I waited so long to clarify shit.

I envy Mr. Flaky, he doesn’t seem to have my problem of not knowing and getting what he wants. But then again, he’s not perfect so I don’t know specifically what his issues are. And let’s be serious some of our problems really aren’t as serious as others. Some of us are dealing with issues that paralyze our everyday lives while others are dealing with issues that can go for the ride.  You may have insecurity issues but you can still be a functioning adult with a job and a family. An extremely anorexic person on the other hand? Well, they can barely feed themselves, much less get out the door. 

I know if I want to stop having problems that stilt my dreams I better do something different.

This is my last about Mr. Flaky. Whew!! It feels good to finally have crossed this damn hunch. It’s about damn time. I’m ready for a newer challenge, a better me.

 

Photos from here, and here.

Daughter of Omi, Khemet Love, My Real Name? June 23, 2011

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I changed my twitter name to Khemet Love. I bought the domain Khemet Love. I still blog at Daughter of Omi.

What Happened?

On the real real my mother and I got into a physical fight. I was horrified, hurt, and angry.

And I was expecting this for a long time. I’ve wanted to smack the shit out of my mother for a long time. I didn’t get the chance to this time, but lord help the both of us if my boyfriend wasn’t there to restrain my mother. The threat of physical violence is real within the black family, or hell even families of color, some families.

I don’t care if my mom was raised in a family that resorted to violence. She herself taught me it is never appropriate for a man to hit you. And guess what moms? That shit applies to you too. I have boundaries as far as I want to be treated, and not even my mother is going to cross that one.

I haven’t talked to my mother in a minute because of this and I rather it this way. My mother said I can come to her about anything. And I’m here to say no I can’t because I’ve said shit to her she doesn’t like, and she responded by hitting me then too, although not as much as this time. That’s why I’ve been distant for years because I could feel the threat just lurking underneath simple words like “Hello,” and “How are you?” It’s a huge burden off my chest not having to worry if the next conversation is going to be the one where the cops get called.

That night she asked me when am I going to step outside my comfort zone. I’ve been living outside my comfort zone dealing with my mom and her side of the family for years. I’ve been the goody two shoes amongst Ronnie and Tricks, and I’m tired of that shit.  If family obligates you to deal with people who take more than they give than f— that shit. 

Expectations

Money

I am a grown ass woman and I don’t have to do shit for nobody but myself. I’m not holding down for anybody else when my own shit is in disarray. Stop asking me for my last two dollars, and rent ain’t even paid. STOP.

In fact don’t ask me for money even if the rent IS paid, and I’m balling. As the youngster I should be asking you for money, not the other way around.

I also feels a way about borrowing people money with recurring money probs. It ain’t the lack of money, it’s what you do with it. I wouldn’t have a problem borrowing money if it actually helped. I’m not wasting my money putting a band aid on a waterfall. I’m not spending my hard earned retail dollars on that, I wouldn’t spend a dime if I was a millionaire on that. 

Safety

I’m not going to apologize for feeling uncomfortable when I feel like my physical safety is at a threat because ya’ll like to keep it real and hang with real thugs. Sorry. Oh I’m mad sensitive? No, you negros are mad desensitized.

And even if ya’ll think I’m bugging, it doesn’t matter because for those you care about you respect their boundaries. You can be a gangsta and a gangsta groupie all you want but that don’t mean I have to be around it.  I don’t care if you are family.

I am My Mother’s Daughter, But I’m Also My Own Person

As you all now realize there’s a lot of underlying feelings in the the name Daughter of Omi. So while I am my mother’s daughter I am tired of blogging under a pseudonym. It’s ridiculous that I blog under a pseudonym when my mother got one thing right and that’s my name. I want to talk about relationships under my real name. One of biggest inspirations is Demetria Lucas. She has what I want- making a living off of talking about relationships.  Twanna Hines-making a living talking about sex. Can I get a Hallelujah?!

Is This a Phenomena?

I understand the concept of sacrificing a little for the sake of a larger unit, in this case family. It seems to me that black families are more reliant on their children for financial help. Do we hit our children even as adults more than other groups? Why is that and how can we give our children back their own lives?

Related Link:

Is Your Son Your Man? A Belle in Brooklyn

Strung Along and Back Up Pum Pum June 13, 2011

Last night I watched “The Social Network”. And then I read this post by Max.

I’ve just been getting fed up.Why does my ex matter? Why does Mr. Falky matter so much to me?

The quick answer is he doesn’t. I do.

I’ve been holding unto this man for dear life because I didn’t feel like shit without him.

I wanted this man to want me like I wanted him.

I wanted this man’s desire for me to validate that I’m worthy. I don’t need his dick. I’m motherfucking fantabulous. I’m beautiful and unique in a way that makes men weak. I’m the motherfucking flame and men are the moths.

You see Mr. Flaky is that alpha male. He went to an “Ivy League” college, while I went to SUNY New Paltz. He works in banking, while I fiddle around in retail asking if you want a refill or not. He’s handsome and tall with broad shoulders. Most of all he was West Indian decent just like me.

In him I saw myself only better.

And now I realize that I am the girl I want to be. I may have had a slow start but the only difference between the person I aim to be and now is time. She is one and the same. I don’t have to be someone else, I just have to be me.

I came to this conclusion a while ago,  but after last night I had to let you know.

This all came about because Mr. Flaky told me he and his current girl were fighting over him responding to my texts. All he does is respond, he never initiates, and this sent her in a tizzy which got me upset because for a chick he’s turned down plenty of times I’m not a threat to her or their relationship. Mr. Flaky puts up the motherfreaking boundaries for me. Which made me want to laugh that his girlfriend would be threatened by a non entity like me.

I was in the bathtub wondering why I couldn’t get this man off my mind. This was 2 years later and I was still thinking about him. Men have broken up with me before and I couldn’t get them off my minds, but never for this long. And then I realized why: after a while they stopped communicating with me. All the men that have dumped me stopped calling, stopped texting. But him? He said he didn’t want to be with me, yet he insinuated that we could still be friendly. When I texted him he responded. To the detriment of his relationship with the woman he broke up with me to be with, to the woman he has now, he let’s me hold on to him even though he doesn’t want to be with me. And that right there ladies and gentlemen is the definition of back up pussy.

And that seemed really assholic. But that would only be assholic if if he knew that I wanted more from him than sex. That I really cared about him, and that as I might only seem to want him for sex, sex is my church and I wanted to worship at the house of Mr. Flaky. On my knees.

Did he know that him responding to my texts was giving me hope that we would get back together? Was I being strung along? I was definitely back up pussy that I could understand, but… Does he realize how deep my feelings go and he still keeps me around?

I didn’t text him to clarify because his actions speak for themselves.

In all honesty I don’t think I’m good enough for him yet. I don’t feel like the trophy girlfriend. But I know I have all the makings of one. I don’t need some alpha male in my face reminding me of everything I want, but don’t have.

I don’t need his success to make me feel good. I need my own version.  And when I am my own woman successful in my own right I will either have Mr. Flaky again or someone even better.

It Takes A Village to Better a Love Life March 1, 2011

I was reading the blog Hot Alpha Female. In particular there was two articles that really got my attention. When I read aloud to Collin “How to Tell If She’s Emotionally Immature” he halleljah’ed a couple of times. To combat his obvious statement that I can be emotionally immature I pointed out this particular sentence:

In my own personal experience there were men who drew out different maturity levels within me. With the men that had a presence which made me feel safe, secure and validated I would be able to reflect and behave in ways that were very emotionally mature.

-Hot Alpha Female

To further prove that this was what was really going on in our relationship I read to him “I’m Only High Maintenance When You Don’t Maintain Me” on the same blog. My take on our relationship problems: He doesn’t make me feel secure. When I told Collin this he responded that he can’t make me feel financially secure, I have to do that. That’s my work not his.

And he’s right. The reason Mr. Flaky was so sexy was because he was so driven, so successful, even when he was laid off his can’t stop won’t stop attitude was the complete opposite to my I’m- going- to- watch- another- episode- before- I- get- that- resume-out attitude.

He was financially stable in a way I wasn’t and just being around him made me feel a secureness I didn’t feel by myself. And now I have a man who reflects myself instead of what I want to be. And I don’t like it.

Mr. Locario

The day before this I was Facebook chatting with dating expert, Mr. Locario. Explaining my relationship to someone not familiar with it it became clear as day to me that our relationship was following a certain pattern. When I give Collin a hard time our relationship emotionally drains him, and he’s less able to concentrate on his photography. I don’t seem him doing his life’s work and then I have less respect for him. Which in turn makes me not want to listen to him. It’s a self perpetuating cycle.

Mr. Locario advised me to wait it out see how my boo does over some months. If nothing improves he brought up the possibility of finding a more financially stable man. As Mr. Locario listed the things that a baller is looking for in a woman I wasn’t surprised, in fact I knew these things already.  If I want to be more attractive to a certain kind of man I better be able to provide what he’s looking for. It reinforced what I was thinking already: If money is important to me, I better upgrade my job to a better paying one. If I want more from my man I better be prepared to be able to want more from myself first.

The next day I was imbued with the thought that I needed to stop investing so much of myself in my relationship and more in myself.

My Momma, OmiFunke

While with Mr. Locario the possibility of finding someone else was ever present, my mother impressed upon me the ability to make my current mate what I want. She said make him successful. I should argue less with him, let him step up, and question him less. If I do this our relationship should get better. And he will feel more like a man, I will stress him out less and he will have more energy to make his photography more than just an idea.

What Started This

I started thinking about money because I’m turning 27. My goal is to be married by 30. I’ve been telling myself I have 4 years of messing around before I settle down. Now, that time is minused by 1. I only have 3 years till my goal. For a whole year I had 4, now I have only 3. Next year I’ll only have 2. Time waits for nobody.

I want to marry a man who can accommodate me staying at home with the children. I don’t want a husband who has to work two jobs just to make ends meet. And it would be nice if I could contribute to this lifestyle. In fact, depending on his wealth, or lack of, it might actually be necessary. I have less time to build a sizable income to contribute to this fabulous family life.

If I want a man with money I better get my ish on point. I’m hoping that when Collin sees me getting my stuff together that he will too. If not I will feel better about myself anyway and be able to attract a mate who is closer to my ideal.

It took more than one source from two articles on the blog Hot Alpha Female, to a Facebook chat with Mr. Locario to a good ol fashioned phone conversation with my Momma, OmiFunke, I can act with surety how to make my relationship better.

Birthday Sex January 13, 2011

It was recently Collin’s birthday and with it a question. I ‘m currently doing a sex fast. It happened last year and this year I found my libido waning. So I decided to listen to my body and abstain from sex until the warm weather moves in which is when my libido returns as it tends to do when I’m in a committed relationship. We’ve had a few breakfasts (a break in the fast), but for the most part we’ve not been engaging in penetration.

Birthday Sex

Some how, some way it came about that we’re obligated to have sex with our partner’s on their special day. And why is that? And it becomes even more obligatory when the rigors of adulthood set in if “Everybody Loves Raymond” is any indication of sex after marriage and mortgage and in laws.

Some men use this as an opportunity to get in the kind of kinky sex his girl won’t normally do.
“What you won’t do another bitch will”- Monique, Queens of Comedy

A part of this thinking is if we don’t do it someone else will. This thinking needs a little tweak. The focus shouldn’t be on him. That’s just crazy. Remember, we can’t control what other people do. Take the focus off of him and put it on the relationship.

We’re not doing it for them, we’re doing it for us. I’m a firm believer that a relationship is greater than the two (or three) people who comprise it. The relationship (the whole) is greater than its parts.

Compromise

It’s a dirty word but it has its place in relationships. To do something for someone else that will destroy your spirit, that’s a no-no. But doing something that won’t mean much if you put aside your ego? That’s worth doing.

What is the core of you? And what is just what you’re afraid of what people will say, perceive, or judge? Example: You don’t want to do anal because only bad girls do anal as opposed to not doing anal ‘cause really that is not the way your sexual appetite runs.

Sometimes we do things just to please our partner, but that’s just it. Please our partner. We should want to put a smile on our partners face and make them beam. When they beam, we beam and the relationship feels just that much better. Knowing that you are willing to bend (within reason) for the sake of his happiness, any good man will appreciate that. That signals hey this chick is in my corner. A Supportive Partner. We all want one. So be one and surely your man will reciprocate in kind. You make him happy, the relationship starts to feel good, lighter even and that makes you less stressed.

As for Collin’s birthday, I’m still not done with my fasting so I threw him a bone and had sex with him days after his official birthday when my body felt more receptive to physical intimacy. Technically, I’m cheating all throughout this fast, but hey there are two not just one person in this relationship and its a technicality I can live with. It’s easy for me to give him this because Collin makes it all about me in other ways. So surely for once I can stop thinking about myself and think about us.

The Week that Changed My Relationship Forever December 2, 2010

So much has happened that I couldn’t possibly give you the whole run down if I could. Let’s just say that within the time span of a week a whole lot happened:

• Thursday.After the bf was particularly disgruntled towards me, I was on the verge of down grading his time with me from abundant to bare minimum. He came to my job and apologized. We go out for dinner again and I tell him about the relationship panel. He says yes.
• Saturday. I got a tantric session from the all wonderful Carl Stevens from Jujumama in which I finally realized my desire to having multiple lovers and one of them a pipe layer in my life is essential to MY life.
• That same day C and I would go to the panel held by Together Apart featuring Carl and his wife Kenya K.
• That night I tried to hold back my resolution to call my ex from my bf, but him knowing me knew something was up and so I told him. For this he was trying to break up with me over. He was upset and we had an extremely emotional talk.
• Sunday. He woke up the next day feeling much better and would then tell me he was understanding of me being with other men (big face drop here).
• Monday. The next day, I told my friend of two years how I had feelings for him since we’ve known each other.

It has been tricky because I’m now dealing with having a friend who is not just a friend but a romantic interest. Not just any romantic interest but a romantic interest who’s still dating my ex best friend.

And ever since then things have been smooth for the most part. Or at least they feel that way since I no longer have pent up emotion. Giving voice to my desires has been a wonderful experience for me. I feel lighter and I feel another step closer to living my perfect life.